~Benjamin Disraeli
Can’t take the credit for these, but they are a hoot!
* * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* * Life is sexually transmitted.
* * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
* * In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
* * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
* * Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
* * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
* * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
* * Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch…
* * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
* * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
* * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
* * Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
* * Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Robert Q. Steinman, Ph.D.
~Sandy
